Have You Heard...?

There is nothing more TowelBoy would love to see under his Christmas tree this year than actor James Marsden. This superstud lit up the screen in 2007 as Corny Collins in the updated version of “Hairspray”. Ah, James – with his perfect smile, smoldering eyes, and beefy biceps! He looks like a young Tom Cruise without the crazy. Although hugely underrated as a talented actor and sex icon, I have been madly in love with James for over a decade. I never thought that James would be interested in someone like me until I saw him lock lips with Calista Flockhart on “Ally McBeal”. (Calista Flockhart is my inner celebrity. And sometimes the outer resemblance is striking.) One of Stud Marsden's more interesting roles was in a 2001 movie called “Gossip”. In the film, Marsden plays Jimmy Web, a college student who embarks on a project to study the consequences of a carefully crafted rumor as it spreads from person to person. Jimmy discovers that the rumor changes subtly with each gossiper until the original piece of information is completely altered. In the end, Jimmy and his classmates are devastated by the outcome as their original rumor becomes an out-of-control monster.

Six years of working at Club Pittsburgh has not left me immune to some of the outrageous rumors about our business. I am still surprised by some of the misguided venom that a few members of our community choose to spread. Much like Marsden's film rumor, many of these stories start with a grain of truth and evolve into something toxic. Lately, we've been getting a lot of phone calls asking if we've been raided. One person heard that we were shut down because of drug issues. Another person was chatting with a friend who said the health department shut our doors because of sanitation problems. Yet another caller read that the city was cracking down on “illegal businesses”. My co-workers and I have been fielding this kinds of calls for six years. For reasons that we haven't yet determined, these kinds of rumors have increased in recent weeks. Allow me to set the record straight. (And please note the rarity in TowelBoy setting anything ''straight'' -- this must be serious.)

First, there is no chance that Club Pittsburgh will be “raided”. We are a licensed business that operates in full cooperation with the city and county. The county is not merely aware of us; our business complies fully with their rules and regulations. A member of the county health department visits the club twice a month to perform free HIV and Syphilis testing to our members. Club Pittsburgh is very active and visible in civic activities that improve the gay community, often working in conjunction with local government and officials. I personally have dispatched the Pittsburgh police, fire department, and EMS. We've not been “raided” when emergency workers visit Club Pittsburgh, and the police are always extremely courteous and helpful. We do not exist as an “underground business”. In fact, we are perhaps the most transparent gay business in the community. Club Pittsburgh employees make an excellent wage and are paid through a payroll service, not in cash “under the table”. The business is fully insured, and so are its employees. Our business pays taxes at every level: city, county, state, and federal. I have six years worth of pay stubs, W-2 forms, and insurance cards to prove it. The owners and managers of Club Pittsburgh take the responsibility of providing a safe and legal establishment to both customers and employees very seriously. The club's relationship with the county and city is both friendly and legal – there is no chance that your privacy will be violated by a ''raid''. I don't know why this particular rumor persists, but it's simply not true.

And TowelBoy is just floored by the implication that Club Pittsburgh would be closed because of housekeeping issues. Obviously, keeping a bathhouse clean and sanitary is a challenging issue. A question that I'm always asked in jest when I mention that I work at a bathhouse is if I ever get tired of cleaning cum. (The answer – it's hell to get out of my green bedspread.) It's my experience that semen is usually the least of the housekeeper's problems at the club. We're extremely aware that that your health and safety depends on our club being sanitary and clean. We know this includes things that are visible to you...and some that aren't. This is the main reason areas of the club are often closed for cleaning at what seems like a most inopportune time. We realize that this may be inconvenient, but keeping you safe is sometimes more important than keeping you happy. The housekeeping staff is on duty 24 hours a day. During weekends and other busy periods, housekeepers outnumber attendants and managers. Visitors from out of town frequently laud our club club as the cleanest they've ever visited. National publications and gay guides have mentioned Club Pittsburgh as the cleanest gay bathhouse in the country. TowelBoy has been accused by a former roommate of having OCD when it comes to housekeeping issues. (Apparently, it's not natural to cry when there's a dirty dish in your sink.) I know clean, people. And Club Pittsburgh IS clean.

TowelBoy has been know to spend an hour or two (or six or ten) cruising internet chat rooms. In addition to meeting the occasional gentleman caller, these chat rooms provide me with some interesting insight. I've discovered that a lot of rumors about Club Pittsburgh start on Gay.Com or Manhunt. I'm often surprised by something that will scroll by while I'll frantically trying to explain to CockBoy85 how to find Carrick. A side note: I am like Rain Man when it comes to names and faces. Come to Club Pittsburgh once, and I'll probably remember you the next time. What's astonishing about the chat room rumor mongers is that I don't know most of them. I've never seen them at Club Pittsburgh. These guys have made judgements about our club and its members without ever visiting. I can not count the number of times that I've seen a chatter that's never been to the club complain about it. There seems to be a handful in the community that repeatedly spread these negative, destructive, and false stories and rumors. Yet when I instant message them to get them to tell me their story, they have no idea who I am. They can't tell me about their Club Pittsburgh experience because they haven't had one. How can you be an expert on something you'd never actually tried?

Perhaps coming to Club Pittsburgh and getting laid would improve their dispositions.

Here is one rumor that I definitely want you to spread: Michael Brandon is coming back to Club Pittsburgh. Michael and Monster return on Saturday, December 15th. The genius behind Raging Stallion Studios and the star of many of its films, Michael is the undisputed favorite among Club Pittsburgh patrons. Monster never fails to draw a monstrous crowd. This time, Michael is bring special guest Tober Grant. December 15th – one awesome event with two incredible stars. Take my advice: get your shopping done now so you have no excuse when Monster comes to town. You can get Uncle Pete those Isotoners anytime, but you only have one shot at getting up close to a Christmas Monster.

Oh, the word. You probably want the vocabulary word. And TowelBoy has got the Club Pittsburgh word that brightens our holiday season.

PHYLICIA RASHAD- (greeting.) You may know Phylicia Rashad as the pretty actress who warmed the heart of America for eight seasons as Claire Huxtable on “The Cosby Show”. Due to TowelBoy's slight hearing impediment, however, he thought that they were singing “Phylicia Rashad” in that Spanish Christmas tune made famous by Jose Feliciano. (I'd like to give a shout-out to Walter for explaining that it's actually Feliz Navidad. That makes more sense if you think about it.) Either way, Phylicia Rashad is Club Pittsburgh's favorite way of wishing you a happy holiday.

Phylicia Rashad,
Phylica Rashad,
She played Claire on “Cosby”
And she married Amhad.

I have to ask one favor before I go. As some of you may already know, Patches is hell bent on stealing my title as Queen of Christmas. The smack-down began last weekend when he wore this gaudy, fluffy, ridiculously plush Santa Hat that upstaged mine. Now everyone knows that Patches LOVES Christmas. The poor dear strings up his lights in July. (Well, he's lit up in July. Take that as you will.) We all appreciate his holiday cheer. But Queen of Christmas? Please! That has been my title for six years running. You can bet your holiday ass that I'm going to pillage every Wal-Mart, Target, Family Dollar, Dollar Tree, and Red White & Blue until I find the most fabulous Santa-themed bonnet ever. My yuletide will be gay, damn it. This Christmas, Patches and I are taking it to the next level. Please stop in and give the true Queen of Christmas your support.

Phylicia Rashad,
TowelBoy