A Letter From Patches

In the interest of “Fair and Balanced” reporting, TowelBoy needs to get off his reindeer and let Patches set the record straight.

Over the years, TowelBoy and Patches have brought the glorious spirit of Christmas to everyone on the overnight shift. With Festive Headgear, those two scamps have truly made the Yuletide gay!!

Suddenly – and without provocation – TowelBoy has accused poor Patches of “stealing” his title “Queen of Christmas”. Larceny, you ask? Not on Christmas! Not on Christmas!!

As a temperate Amish gentleman, Patches feels Christmas should not be rushed. “Let us have some restraint and good manners. Don’t jump the gun!” is his mantra. What happened? TowelBoy marched into Club Pittsburgh on NOVEMBER 30TH with his Santa hat perched perkily atop his noggin.

Too much and too soon was Patches’ only reaction to TowelBoy’s garish display of hubris. Queen of Christmas, indeed! He vowed to give TowelBoy a much needed comeuppance.

Over the next days, those two will put hats on their heads in a bitter duel for Queenly supremacy of Sparkle Season. Who is the real Queen of Christmas? Patches will leave it up to you, dear friend.

One final note: as a humble lad from the Mennonite hinterland, Patches will risk being shunned by his community. Such fancy displays of Christmas cheer is frowned upon. Patches is willing to take the heat if it means bringing joy to his many fans. Like Charlie Brown’s tree, Patches has the humility, grace, and wisdom to be the true Queen of Christmas.

Let’s face it: TowelBoy is too Flash ‘n Glitz for such responsibility. He will just toss it aside come Boxing Day.

Sincerely and with a touch of bile,
Patches

And a message from TowelBoy:

Although I applaud Patches’ holiday zest, I doubt that he has the warmth of Christmas in his heart. Take a chill pill, Patches. With the Holy Boo as my cheerleader from above, I will be Queen.

Ho, Ho, Ho,
TowelBoy