A Web of Change

TowelBoy does enjoy something that's shiny and new. There's nothing better than the smell of a brand new automobile parked in front of the house. Or a plasma television fresh out of the box. Or perhaps a nice new pair of Nike Cross-Trainers underneath the Christmas tree. And I think we all can agree that nothing beats a cute thirtysomething musician fresh off of the Greyhound bus from Chicago. But I digress. Everyone gets excited about something new. Pittsburgh, a city built on centuries of tradition, is getting into the spirit of new. Downtown, 1 PNC Center is reaching its way up to the sky. It's the city's first new skyscraper in nearly twenty years. On the North Shore, the ground is about to be broken on a majestic slots casino. And right across from Club Pittsburgh, our mayor is building a brand new transportation center. (Rumor has it that trannies do enjoy a nice bus station. We're excited.) In addition to providing direct access to Club Pittsburgh by bus or train, the city's new transportation will feature a five-story parking garage. The theme for 2008 is NEW, and Club Pittsburgh has decided to join the party by launching a brand new website.

Our current website was created when Club Pittsburgh opened in 2001. Although the site was stunning at its creation, the rules of the internet have changed in the last six years. The current site is static. Essentially, any change to the website requires republishing. Unfortunately, a static site makes it difficult to get new information out to you quickly and efficiently. That's why Club Pittsburgh is working to create a dynamic site that can be updated frequently and easily. One new addition that we're really excited about is a community calendar that will list all of the exciting happenings of Pittsburgh's flourishing GLBT community. Visitors to the site will be able to click on a specific day or event to get detailed information. You can use the calendar to learn about events and specials at the club, as well as fun things around Pittsburgh. This includes things like Delta Foundation events (like Spark! In December), Pride activities, Street Jams, Campus Mixers, etc. We hope to make the Club Pittsburgh website your source for community information. (So that means visit often, queens!) The new site will also have updated photo galleries so you can take a peak at events you may have missed. Another exciting new feature is that visitors to our web page will be able to “subscribe” to the site. Site members will have access to exclusive information about events and specials at the club. As an incentive, we will randomly mail “internet only” coupons for discounts to our website members. Of course, TowelBoy will continue to blog on the new website. We encourage your feedback. Did you recently have a great night at Club Pittsburgh? Post it on the blog! Let us know if you had a not-so-great night, too. Maybe other members can give you tips to make your next visit more enjoyable. Keep checking back – the new site is coming soon!

If a new website doesn't help you to get more familiar with Club Pittsburgh, our CP Glossary will. Here's another one for you:

HELEN FINGER – (n.) the pointer finger on Helen's right hand moving in a symmetrical pattern from side while her head moves in the opposite direction. Helen Finger frequently occurs when a customer attempting to enter overnight is “liquored up” or doesn't have proper photo identification. The difference between Helen Finger and a “talk to the hand” angry woman on a daytime talk show such as Ricki Lake: The angry woman puts her finger in the air and moves it in a circular motion; Helen finger moves side to side. If a customer gets Helen Finger while attempting to enter, he's screwed before he even gets through the door. Customers can redeem themselves from Helen Finger by showing her that they're sorry, not telling her.

Before I sign off, I'd like to mention a few cool things coming up. First...Happy Halloween! And Halloween can only mean one thing: SPELL! If you haven't already heard, SPELL is a spooktacular event hosted by the Delta Foundation at City Theatre. After you you check out SPELL, bring your ticket to Club Pittsburgh and get an $8 locker. If today is Halloween, then tomorrow is November, and it's time to break out your Horn O' Plenty. This year's Thanksgiving “Horn 'O Plenty” party will happen on Saturday, November 24 instead of Thanksgiving eve. And now your thinking, “How can I spend an entire day with crazy Aunt Ida and Cousin Stewie without a fabulous party at Club Pittsburgh on Wednesday night?” As always, we've got your back. Stop in the night before Thanksgiving at check out some go-go boys to be thankful for.

Enjoy the candy,
TowelBoy

"Welcome Into Love" with FREE CD's.

TowelBoy is a Sirius whore. (Actually, “serious” applies, too.) But I do enjoy satellite radio. I listen to Sirius jams in the car, on the computer, and when I’m supposed to be working. Good music has the power to ease away a bad day. Sirius 9 makes a three-car pile-up on the Liberty Bridge bearable. Feeling sluggish in the morning? Try the Morning Mash-Up on Hits 1. And nothing says lovin’ like entertaining a gentleman caller in the Club Pittsburgh steam room with Bon Jovi in the background. But I digress. Club Pittsburgh has always been about good music. This weekend, the tradition of the club’s sound reaches a new level. On Saturday, we proudly welcome Pittsburgh’s own Donald Sheffey as he offers “Welcome Into Love” to our guests. Here’s what Donald has to say about his company, Weezie Productions, and the new CD:

“Donald Sheffey is attempting to give music back to the people...music that has conviction and a story...music that gives good feelings and drives positive emotions...music that you aren’t afraid your children will listen to.

You may be asking yourself "why is he trying to change something that no one cares about". Good question. First, I CARE & I grew up “old school” where there wasn’t any software to make you sound good. Second, we here at Weezie Productions are sick of the degrading, no class, disgusting language & racial overtones in this industry today. I know I may sound a little negative, but there is good music…no, there’s GREAT music out there, you just have to find it. Unfortunately it’s not always easy to find, based on what radio is forcing us to listen to.You have to go to the internet, live shows, and local club – get out and see, live, and breathe music as it was meant to be. Who knows, maybe we’ll even see a change in society!

“Welcome Into Love” is a CD that makes you feel like having some fun again...OR You can sit back and have a smooth martini and swing to the groove...you can get up and dance...even fall in love. These are some of the feelings we tried to get across when writing this CD. We want to get back to music for people who want songs with meaning, a feeling, soul, and fun. Even though we will never see another Luther Vandross, Weezie Productions refuses to add to the insanity that’s making it to mainstream radio. We all have to die doing something with our time, and this is how we plan to spend our time. We’re giving the 30-40-50 year olds their options back.

We hope you feel good by the end of the CD and want to listen to it over and over again.”

You’ll be able to sample “Welcome Into Love” on Saturday night. We’ll also have free CD give-aways throughout the night. Stop in and enjoy the music. This is sure to be an incredible event!

So you want to come to Club Pittsburgh and enjoy the music of Donald Sheffey, but you’re worried that you’re not hip to the lingo. No worries – TowelBoy has got your back. (I don’t think snickering is necessary.) And now, this week’s Club Pittsburgh glossary gem:

Kandy Kitchen – (n.) The storage locker in the Club Pittsburgh basement where the poppers, lubricants and fetish toys are kept. Access to the “kitchen” requires an elevator key, a padlock key, and a secret handshake. Legend has it that the Kandy Kitchen is the happiest place at Club Pittsburgh. (Or perhaps earth. Hello America!). Keeping the Club Pittsburgh inventory in order requires frequent visits to the kitchen. How does one use “Kandy Kitchen” in casual conversation? “I’m sorry sir, we do not have the triple ripple butt plug in the cabinet, but we can send Marjorie to get you one from the Kandy Kitchen."

I hope to see you at Saturday’s CD release party. TowelBoy can’t wait to introduce you to the smooth grooves of Donald Sheffey. While you’re at the club, don’t forget to pick up a ticket for “Spell”. In case you forgot, “Spell” is the spooky Halloween event on Pittsburgh’s Southside to benefit the Persad Center. Enjoy music, dancing, and entertainment by the legendary RuPaul. Club Pittsburgh’s own Esta La Mierda will be there to help revelers get up on the festivities. Bring in your “Spell” ticket after the party and receive an $8 locker!

I think I just heard Walter say he’s out of Boy Butter. Oh honey, I’m off to the Kandy Kitchen. See you on Saturday!

Your Music Concierge,
TowelBoy

I bet you want to know more about Donald Sheffey! Please visit:
http://www.weezieproductions.com/

Naked is Fabulous

[Portions of this posting were published in March 2006]

TowelBoy really does enjoy a comfortable pair of jeans. The only thing that beats a worn pair of Levi’s is no pants at all. However, you’ll rarely find me in a pair of 501’s. Thanks to my unusual body type (Mary Kate Olsen meets Brad Garrett, the gargantuan brother from “Everybody Loves Raymond”), it’s very hard for me to find a pair of jeans that fit. As a result, almost everything I own comes from a delightful store in a local mall where everything is ten bucks or less. They fit my budget, and amazingly, the fit my bony ass. Swanky denim isn’t the only jean that causes me grief. The gay genes, or my missing gay genes, have left me less than fabulous.

I guess that we’re all a combination of nature and nurture. By nature, I’m as gay as Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern in the Bahamas. I love men. And it’s no secret that I particularly enjoy having sex with them. I find entertaining a gentleman caller more satisfying than caffeine, the Ponderosa buffet, and “The Young and the Restless” during November sweeps. I think the whole sex thing alone makes me gay. (TowelBoy is definitely not on the “down-low”. Sorry, Oprah.) But sometimes, nurture insists on interfering. My childhood was the epitome of blue-collar life. My dad was a factory foreman that perpetually smelled like the Iron City Brewing Company; mom was a pharmacy technician with a vocabulary that would make Roseanne Connor blush. We lived in a modest three-bedroom house, owned Chevrolets, and considered a trip to Denny's a swanky affair. We didn’t have stocks and bonds, vacation at Disney World, or attend wine tastings. Our lifestyle was simple and functional, and I never realized that a fabulous gay world was just outside our front door. I’ve carried this blue-collar mentality (nurture) into my big gay existence (nature). Thanks to a rather “Middle America” upbringing, I’m in desperate need of some gay gene therapy.

Take one glance, and it’s obvious that I’m missing the Fashion Gene. Most of the men I attempt to date have it; most of my co-workers have it, too. My first indication of fashion deficiency came when I started to notice the other boys’ shoes lying on my bedroom floor. They’re typically ornate, stylish, and obviously expensive. They have names that I’ve never seen at Payless. Gay shoes are usually the perfect punctuation for a meticulously crafted ensemble. I, however, just don’t have the eye to buy homo-sensible footwear. I’ve worn the same pair of gray “cross-trainers” for the past six years. I’ve recently taken to gluing them back together. I find that the “cross trainers” are brilliantly named: They are equally comfortable for work, climbing out on the roof to cement the gutters, and wondering through Oakland to find “Chuck”, whose address I’ve scribbled on the inside of a Club Pittsburgh matchbook. I can’t wear Diesels because they smash my funky toe. (What kind of dyke name is that anyway?) And my problems don’t end with my shoes. I don’t own a pair of dress pants (just saying ‘slacks’ sounds gay), nor have I ever purchased a tie. I am uniformed in my ten dollar jeans and a Club Pittsburgh t-shirt. Perpetually. For me, “dressed up” means covering said t-shirt with a sweater that doesn’t have a bleach stain. I think I just heard all five guys from the Queer Eye show drop dead.

Once my clothes come off, a lot of my gay comrades are stunned to discover that I have no Manscape Gene. The theory is that if you can have pretty hair on your head but no hair on your body, you can knock fifteen years off of your age. Ed Rendell may say that you’re 47, but if you remove all your body hair and whiten your teeth, it’s fair to tell gentleman callers that you’re 28. I have a huge problem: the hair that I’ve lost on my head has turned up just about everywhere else on my body. What’s a poor almost-middle-aged-hairy-queen supposed to do? Hello Gay America! Get a can of Nair. If you tone up the flab, bleach the teeth, get rid of the hair on your body, and infuse the hair on your head with “product”, you are permitted by the Commonwealth to call yourself “boi”. Unfortunately, I do not fit this definition of beauty. I’ve always been naturally thin. Not athletic, toned, or defined. Thin. Think Sally Field with strong bones, a hairy tummy, and an impressive endowment. Aside from excessive body hair, I seem to have trouble remembering to shave my face, so I always look like I’m about to knock over a liquor store. The hair on my head is even more problematic. There wasn’t much to start, and now I pull enough out of the drain each morning to make Britney a new wig for each custody hearing. My head has been perpetually covered with a Wal-Mart do-rag for the past ten years.

I have been permanently banned from Shadyside. I don’t find this particularly upsetting.

The great thing about Club Pittsburgh is that everyone is equal. Designer jeans don’t mean much because everyone is in a towel. There’s no "creative" internet profile, no retouched pictures from ten years ago, and no fake age. It doesn’t matter if you have a BMW in the parking garage or you’ve taken the bus. Who knew that a white towel could set you free? What you see is what you get. Now that, my friend, is FABULOUS.

Now, what everybody really reads the blog for: the Club Pittsburgh glossary. So without further adieu…

DIXIE NARCO (n.) - The vending machine at Club Pittsburgh. Dixie is stuffed with delicious snacks and refreshing beverages. Although Dixie does vend the occasion pack of smokes, please do not refer to Dixie Narco as the “cigarette machine”. This upsets TowelBoy to no end. Dixie can not be held responsible for her contents, and she certainly does not endorse black lung. It is proper to call Dixie by name when complaining that the whore ripped you off. The Dixie Narco is frequently preceded by the descriptive “whore”. Example: “Scooter, can I have the vending key? That whore Dixie Narco refuses to give me my cinnamon bun.” Please don’t shake Dixie. If she refuses to give up the goods, the attendant has a key.

Don’t forget to check out Club Pittsburgh in October. Pittsburgh’s own Donald Sheffey will be here to give away copies of his latest CD on Saturday, October 20. Stop in, hang those Diesels in your locker, get a treat from Dixie Narco, and enjoy the music.

Unfabulously Yours,
TowelBoy

Rules of Engagement

TowelBoy's childhood dreams of being a famous ballerina were dashed just as his awkward teens began. At the onset of puberty, my size 14 feet started getting caught on everything from sidewalk cracks to thin air. (That's right, big boy – size 14.) I'm so incredibly prone to clumsy kerfuffles that the emergency room at Southside Hospital restocks my insurance paperwork with the same frequency as the vending machines. Because I'm likely to fall victim to a mass transit disaster, I never go anywhere without proper photo I.D. It would be a tragedy to have a hunky EMS worker pull my lanky ass out from underneath a PAT bus only to end up in the emergency room forever tagged as Miss Jane Doe. I'm obviously a little over 21, but photo ID can be useful for other endeavors besides getting a cocktail. Speaking of valid photo I.D., everyone knows that this nifty card is required for entry to Club Pittsburgh. Club Pittsburgh is a legal, licensed establishment. We can guarantee you a safe, discreet place to socialize and relax without any of those pesky “authorities” that have ruined many delightful afternoons at city parks and public restrooms. In order to keep us in good standing with the boys in blue, we need you to respect our rules and policies. The first thing that the front desk attendant needs from you is your valid photo I.D. It doesn't matter if you've taken up permanent residence in room 310 for the past six years. It's irrelevant if you are the manager's third cousin (by marriage) visiting from Boise. And don't expect any breaks just because you've been...umm, entertained...by TowelBoy at Camp Carrick. (More popular than nudie camp, three years and counting.) Your valid photo I.D. keeps us legal. We must have it in your lock box with each visit. Poor Katherine Baker Knoll went through all the trouble of laminating it for you. Hello America! Be kind to an old lady and use it.

Of course, bring your photo I.D. with you to Club Pittsburgh, but leave your good friend Jack Daniels at home. To review, we are a licensed, legal establishment. I once heard a law enforcement officer refer to Club Pittsburgh as a “friend of the city”. We keep that relationship friendly by keeping out any shenanigans. For celebrations, the club will often provide a delicious libation for guests over 21. As a private club, we can legally offer this treat to our members. We can not, however, permit anyone to bring his own mini bar through the front door. If guests bring their own alcohol, it makes it impossible for the staff to ensure that those under 21 are abiding by the law of the Commonwealth. We ask that you respect this policy, and unfortunately, those who don't follow this rule won't be permitted to return. Obviously, the same goes for any drugs. Cousin Tina and all her friends are on our permanent “Do Not Admit” list. We need the law to respect the rights and privacy of the gay community; therefore, we need our guests and members to respect the law.

I want to mention once last thing on rules, and then I'll stop nagging. Each rental (locker or room) is valid for a specific period of time. Generally, the rental period is six hours. It's easy to remember: “six” sounds just like “sex”. The rental period is clearly marked on the entrance waiver. The staff will also gladly remind you of the rental periods. Some clubs automatically charge guests if they stay beyond the rental period. There is no warning; members are responsible for keeping track of time. I am aware of one club that lists expired rentals on a monitor. In tiny print, mind you. At this club, Mr. Magoo is screwed in more than one way. At Club Pittsburgh, we generally give guests three gentle warnings over the sound system before charging overtime. If a special is ending, particularly our Naked Lunch, the attendant warns guests in advance. Please use this warning period to shower, change, exchange phone numbers, etc. If your warnings have lapsed and you owe an overtime fee, please be courteous to the attendant. He's just doing his job.

TowelBoy has finally gotten off of his soapbox. Frankly, I was starting to get dizzy up there. We appreciate all of our loyal customers that follow the rules.

As our regular guest know, the staff at Club Pittsburgh speaks with its own vocabulary. We have fun nicknames for just about everything, and I'm still waiting on the patent for “Bathhouse German”. TowelBoy would like to clue you in with a Club Pittsburgh glossary. So, I proudly give you the first entry: VERDUNGALUNG.

VERDUNGALUNG: (n). A blackout party. This entails dimming the lights, cranking the music, and handing out glowsticks. The “v” is pronounced like an “f”, and is usually preceded by “nice”. Example: “Richie do enjoy a nice Verdungalung.” There are many variations on the theme, including the staff favorite Impromtu Verdungalung. On Saturday, October 13, you can experience Verdungalung firsthand at our Witches & Bitches Blackout Party.

So, a quick recap: Come visit us for our Witches & Bitches Blackout Party on Saturday, October 13. Please bring your valid photo I.D., and finish your delicious cocktail before you arrive. Get a glowstick from the front desk, and enjoy your six hours. If you follow those simple rules, I can guarantee it will be a nice Verdungalung.

Your Glowstick Glorioso,
(No relation to Jorge Curioso)
TowelBoy