Holiday Hullabaloo

As usual, TowelBoy spent the holiday with his family fantasizing what his funeral would be like. Hearing my mother’s psychotic neo-conservative neighbor rattle on about rampant global threats tends to make one ponder (wish for, actually) his own death. The possibilities of four-star drama at my funeral are endless with my bizarre family in charge. I’m sure my mother would find some way to turn it into a one-woman show about her own personal agony. She’d weep and wail about the burden of planning my funeral and fulfilling my final wishes. Disenfranchised members of my family from all over the eastern seaboard would make contrition for their crimes against my mother and pummel the funeral home to pay their respects. (To my mother.) My co-workers would flood the funeral home with cards, flowers, and embarrassing stories about the deceased; my employers would supply the grieving with cold cuts, various cheeses, and Maximum Impact. My mother would decorate the funeral parlor with artifacts of my life that have great sentimental value to her but have no spiritual worth for me. Perhaps even my father and his family would come out of the woodwork, lamenting over what could have been. And I hope they have the good sense to bury me face down with my ass in the air, so I can spend eternity in the same position as I did in life. Really, who’s to say? But one thing is for certain:

My funeral would be a virtual showcase of strippers and drag queens. Or, in politically correct terms, “exotic dancers” and “gender illusionists”. Whatever you call them, they’ve been the staple of my social diet for the last six years. My heart is full and my crotch is itchy from cerebral flashes of hot performances by the likes of Scandal, Inferno, and Chocolate Thunder. And whether they’re letting their dogs on the bed during anal intercourse or crashing through the wall of room 309 in a huffing stupor, drag queens are always fabulous entertainment. I’ve never known either of these groups to miss a large gathering of heterosexually-challenged men, especially when the guest of honor is enjoying his final moments above ground from a pine box. My only hope is that the strippers and the queens don’t steal the funeral show from my mother.

It wouldn’t be a holiday party without the strippers and the queens, and of course we had both. Buck, our favorite exotic dancer and friend of Club Pittsburgh, entertained the crowd as Santa’s naughty elf. We were extremely nervous because our queen announced on Friday that she was “almost” birthday drunk. After a recent birthday celebration we had to lock the poor dear in the bathroom for her own safety. I’m pleased to report she was feeling well enough on Friday to enjoy the festivities. Housekeeping superstar Richie humored us by putting on the special Christmas wig. (See picture above.) I’ve confiscated the wig to strategically place in a drain for excitement when the holiday hoopla subsides. Even Santa Claus took a few hours from his busy Christmas schedule to relax at Club Pittsburgh. (Mrs Claus: Please stop calling. I’ve already told you a thousand times that Club Pittsburgh is a “health club”.) Patches was crowned Queen of Christmas for his extraordinary light-up Santa hat. Thanks for making the holidays merry, Patches. Club Pittsburgh is always full of holiday fun for our members and visitors, but it can be a really hectic time for the staff. The ten days between the solstice and the New Year is often the busiest period of the year. It’s a constant symphony of buzzing doorbells, ringing phones, and keys scraping across the counter. As I’m writing this, I’ve already checked in more guys in three hours than I usually do my entire Wednesday shift. I’m pleased to report that the Club Pittsburgh staff is in good spirits. The hateful meter appears to be stuck at “0”. You guys have brought us fun and enthusiasm throughout the season, and we look forward to ringing in the New Year with you.

Now that the holidays are coming to a close, I’m optimistic that I will be somewhat productive in the New Year. But TowelBoy, January, and Productivity aren’t usually a perfect trifecta. The short days make it way too tempting to sleep the evening away. When I finally do wake up, I start with an entire pot of coffee and half of a king-sized Symphony bar. This prepares me for an evening of heated debate over “The Young and the Restless” with my cat, Socks. (I think Sharon Abbott is a psychotic whore; Socks maintains that she’s misunderstood.) The soaps end and the local news begins. The coffee left at the bottom of the pot is sludgy and burned. For the next hour, I wonder if the typically-perky anchorwoman is tired because her hair is disheveled and her iridescent eye shadow has been out of the pages of Vogue since Nancy Reagan left the White House. I take a moment after the news to brew a second pot of coffee and then go to my bedroom. While cruising internet chat rooms and message boards for potential gentleman callers, I make my bed, put my clothes away, pay some bills online, and attempt some actual work at the computer. Work gets pushed aside so I can chat/cruise, chat/cruise, chat/cruise. By midnight, there are more nude pictures of me in email inboxes than Paris Hilton. The cat is screaming at the bedroom door because I’ve been home from work for six hours and he still hasn’t eaten. Clarification: I haven’t fed him. I feed the cat, stuff the other half of the Symphony bar in my mouth, and return to the computer. Then it’s chat/cruise, chat/cruise, chat/cruise…and after awhile I start to wonder if there’s anything on Xtube. The night appears to have two possibilities: either I meet someone, thus eliminating the need for chat/cruise, or I take two Sominex and fall asleep at the computer.

Then I’m overwhelmed by my own genius. I will go to Club Pittsburgh and hang out with the strippers and the queens. And I’ll probably find that gentleman caller, too. Screw you, Comcast High-Speed Internet.

If you missed our Christmas party, (Or you loved our Christmas party), please join us for New Year’s Eve. They’ll be hats, noisemakers, snacks, and a champagne toast at midnight. Club Pittsburgh is also a great place to relax after the bars have closed and all the other parties have ended. When they all close, we keep the party going.

Oh – Santa delivered a brand new website to Club Pittsburgh. We’re working on the content over the next few weeks. The website will be available to you in January. I think you’ll be pleased with our efforts. Keep checking…

Stay Warm!
TowelBoy

Porn Star Blizzard

TowelBoy is so mad at Jeff Verszyla that he would flatly turn down any offers of a romantic rendezvous. Okay, perhaps I'm not that angry, but I would at least expect him to by me a fancy dinner before I provide any conjugal entertainment. (Actually, an Egg McMuffin would probably do just fine.) For years, I've faithfully watched Jeff's Accuweather forecast and accepted his predictions as scripture. However, I've begun to suspect that Jeff is intentionally scaring handsome hotties from enjoying the copious pleasures of Club Pittsburgh. How so? I check out Jeff on Tuesday, and he's already making ominous predictions for the weekend: freezing rain on Friday, the Blizzard of the Century on Saturday. Two days before the weekend arrives, the newscast is cluttered with images of senior citizens pillaging Giant Eagle of milk, bread, and calcium chloride. These poor golden agers are driven mad by the threat of the impending winter apocolypse. And of course, Friday arrives and what happens? Absolutely nothing. I apparently tripped an old lady to get the last bag of rock salt for no reason. It rains all night on Saturday, and one Club Pittsburgh guest even describes it as “balmy”. The occasional wayward raindrop blurs the security camera, but it's still obvious that there is no snow. Unfortunately, many of you already decided to miss a great party because of Jeff's wintry warning. Shame on you, Jeff Verszyla.

I have been frustrated by this phenomenon for seven winters now. Just the prediction of winter weather dampens gay nightlife in the city. Customers checking in complain that the city's bars and clubs were plagued by sparse crowds and an attitude of malaise. Ironically, Club Pittsburgh gets an overwhelming crowd if a storm actually hits. Many guys from out-of-town choose to get a room at Club Pittsburgh instead of driving home after enjoying the bars. And guests that checked in before the inclement weather often renew their rentals instead of venturing out into the elements. What dampens the party are treacherous predictions that never come true.

If you missed Tober Brandt and Ricky Sinz because of the forecast, then you should seriously consider dropping the Weather Channel from your cable line-up. We actually had an awesome crowd in spite of the weather worries. Toby and Ricky gave our guests an incredible performance. Both are extremely interactive when performing, and the crowd became a part of the show. Our two stars socialized with our guests late into the night, chatting, signing autographs, and giving away their movies. We took the photos above while our performers were mingling after their show. Ricky Sinz was a magnificent proxy for Michael Brandon. Ricky was kind enough to post some comments to my previous blog entry, “Ricky Sinz Performs @ Club Pittsburgh”. Scroll down and read Ricky's sentiments for Club Pittsburgh and our guest.

Bill & Jay were two special guests who stopped by to enjoy the hot performance. These guys were kind enough to work the front desk at Club Pittsburgh while the staff enjoyed our delightful holiday party. Ron and Nick are two more friends of the club who had the daunting task of housekeeping while we reveled in holiday cheer. TowelBoy was so hung over after the festivities that he forgot to give these guys proper kudos on a job well done. Bill, Jay, Ron & Nick: Thanks a bunch from the managers and staff at Club Pittsburgh. Is it too early to book you for next year?

I leave you with good news: all of you are getting another chance at a great time. Club Pittsburgh's annual Holiday Party for members and friends is this Saturday. Please join us for naked elves, snacks, and Santa's Snowflake Punch. Along with our Thanksgiving Horn O' Plenty celebration, the holiday party has become a favorite tradition among Club Pittsburgh's staff and members. I have a feeling that the Holiday Hat Smackdown with Patches will reach its exciting climax at the party. You wouldn't want to miss Patches embarrassed and defeated, would you? Oh, how the crown will sparkle when all of Club Pittsburgh heralds me the Queen of Christmas...

If you are contemplating coming to the club from out of town and have questions about the weather, please give us a call. I promise you an accurate assessment of what's falling from the sky. Don't fall victim to Jeff Verszyla's evil plan.

With Christmas in My Heart,
(Unlike Some Others)
TowelBoy

Ricky Sinz Performs @ Club Pittsburgh

Well, TowelBoy is certainly having a week of excitement and drama at Club Pittsburgh. If you haven’t already heard, the hot tub is bubbling again. Our hard working maintenance team made the final repairs on Monday night. It’s now late Thursday, and the tub appears to be in good working order. If you haven’t stopped down to check it out yet, I hope you will soon. I have had a long week myself, and a little hot tub action sounds like the perfect way to spend the evening.

We received word on Wednesday that Michael Brandon will be unable to visit club Pittsburgh this weekend. Michael is in the hospital recovering from a back injury. Of course, we understand his situation and wish him a speedy recovery. Michael is disappointed that he won’t be returning to Pittsburgh this weekend, BUT: Michael and our manager have found a worthy replacement to keep you warm for the Yuletide. He is Raging Stallion exclusive Ricky Sinz. Ricky is a tall, handsome hunk of man guaranteed to fulfill the fantasies of tattoo fanatics. Our Shwami nearly popped a nut when he saw Ricky’s photos hanging in the club. Ricky won over Raging Stallion fans for his performances in the studio’s “Grunts” series. He will be performing with Tober Brandt. Tober is one of Raging Stallion’s rising stars, and we’re excited to introduce him to Pittsburgh.

I hope you’ll stop down to give to give Tober and Ricky a big Pittsburgh welcome. Showtime is Saturday at midnight. Our Raging Stallion shows always produce a monstrous crowd, and we’re very excited to have both of these hot performers.

If you’d like more information on Tober Brandt, Ricky Sinz, and Michael Brandon, please visit Raging Stallion’s website:

RagingStallion.com

See you at the show!
TowelBoy

Yep -- The Whirlpool is Bubbling

TowelBoy does enjoy the holiday season, but he would certainly sparkle much brighter if we could move the most wonderful time of year to sometime in August. I do not appreciate Jack Frost nipping at my nose. (However, I'm extremely grateful that Mr. Frost has the decency to keep his nipping above the belt.) I definitely prefer the days of walking around the house in boxer shorts to wearing so many layers that I'm frequently mistaken for a pre-bypass Starr Jones Reynolds. A few winters ago, I met the most attractive gentleman caller in the history of high-speed internet. But he was so worn out by removing my 37 layers of clothing that he opted for a nice cup of cocoa and a rerun of “Designing Women” instead of sexual relations. (This is sadly 100% true.) Oh how I wish there were a way to stay warm and wear no clothing...

I am bringing you some great news: You can warm yourself up in the hot tub at Club Pittsburgh.

After a month of repairs, the whilpool is finally bubbling in wet fun again. We have received countless calls and inquiries asking when the hot tub would be working again. TowelBoy is most grateful for everyone's patience. Our maintenance team has been working for weeks to solve various problems. After six years, the poor thing just needed some major TLC. The final repair required some skinny queen with a tube of silicone to snake his way through the mechanics. Admittedly, TowelBoy was a little disappointed that he was not the chosen for this task. My six years as Nicole Ritchie's understudy means nothing to these people. Although I can take no credit for this feat, the whirlpool is now sealed tighter than Dick Cheney's lips at a senate inquiry. Please stop in and enjoy it soon!

In the midst of whirlpool rejuvination, the Club Pittsburgh family celebrated the season with a holiday party. These occasions are always lovely and wonderful; I have really special memories of past holidays with my co-workers and friends. This year, however, was definitely my favorite bash of all. The party venue was a delightful eatery in Pittsburgh's Strip District called Kaya. Monika, the restaurant's amazing manager, closed the restaurant to the public so we could enjoy an intimate celebration. The atmosphere, staff, food, drinks, and music were all wonderful. TowelBoy snapped a few photos so you could enjoy the party, too. Allow me to provide a little narration. The first picture is of our hosts and Club Pittsburgh's owners, Steven and Peter. As usual, Peter is holding a big package. Don't they look handsome in their duds? Our manager John is applauding behind them, and the company's PR genius Leo is getting liquored up in front. Kik and the Queen are in the next photo. Obviously, Kik is enjoying the royal treatment. You didn't recognize the Queen without her weave, did you? In the third picture, Richie, Leo, and Patches are enjoying the holiday revelry. Hmmm...how unusual to see these three sitting at the bar. (Please note that Patches is not wearing a festive hat. Apparently someone does not truly have the spirit of Christmas in his heart.) In the next photo, Walter shows us the perfect way to warm up the holidays: with delicious teas! I have come up with a million dollar marketing idea. I am going to make gift cards for Tea with the Queen. The bearer of the card is entitled to one tea with the Queen at the time of his choice (except happy hour and the entire month of the Queen's birthday). However, the card holder must provide his own tea and a nip of Jack. (Even a Queen needs to keep warm during this cold winter season.) At least Walter is half prepared. And the bottom photo (pun intended) is of the two Scotts, Scooter and Esta. I would like to give a shout-out to MTV for pimping Scooter's jacket. What you can't see is the wonderful Steelers gear that Scooter got for Christmas, which was his second wish on his list to Santa. (We tried really hard, but the $20 whores are on strike with the Hollywood writers and the immigrant sidekicks. Maybe next Christmas.) There were many more Club Pittsburgh co-workers enjoying the merriment, but they were all too intoxicated to sign the photo release waivers.

I'd like to give my heartfelt thanks to Monika and her staff at Kaya. We all appreciate your hard work and good spirits. Thanks for a wonderful holiday party, and best wishes for a wonderful and prosperous new year.

There is one very special queen that livened Club Pittsburgh for years, and now she livens our parties in spirit. One person very much in attendance that you won't see in the photographs is our dear friend Jeff. Jeff, known to most of you as Crystal St. Clair, was a true friend and valiant co-worker who lost his brave battle with cancer nearly three years ago. To say Crystal was the life of the party is an enormous understatement. One of my favorite Christmas party moments is from our very first Christmas together in 2001. Someone had gotten Crystal the gift that was at the top of her list: a “mangina”. All of us laughed and howled as we had our photographs taken with the fabulous Ms. St. Clair and her strap-on hoo-hoo. A true queen of comedy, Crystal was never afraid to be the punchline. I can only hope that my own sense of humor is half as bountiful as hers.

I see this tribute to Crystal as a perfect segue for the word...

THE HOLY BOO (n. - celestial spirit) – a divine queen that watches over Club Pittsburgh from the heavens in her own unique way. Crystal affectionately called those in her royal realm “BOO” as a term of endearment. Now working hard as our guardian angel from above, Crystal is known warmly to the Club Pittsburgh staff as the Holy Boo. We frequently evoke the spirit of the Holy Boo to stop the washer from breaking or the steam room from leaking. Once, we saw a known rebel-rouser approaching the front door just after the bar closed. We all asked the Holy Boo to stop this queen from coming in and deliver him safely to Jitters. And sure enough, this hoodlum approached the door, patted his pockets to find no ID, and made a beeline back to Penn Avenue. That made a believer out of the most cynical skeptic. Crystal had an amazing way of making us all laugh, and she's still working hard for us in spirit. Thank you, Holy Boo.

In case you forgot, Michael Brandon will visit Club Pittsburgh on Saturday. This is our gift to you, and you don't want to miss it. Michael and Monster break their previous attendance record each time they visit. Each time we anticipate a big crown, and each time we're floored by the response. This time Michael is adding muscle hunk Tober Brandt to the monstrous fun. Showtime is at midnight – put it in you blackberry or huckleberry or whatever in the hell that thing is, and don't be late :)

Making Your Yuletide Gay,
TowelBoy

A Letter From Patches

In the interest of “Fair and Balanced” reporting, TowelBoy needs to get off his reindeer and let Patches set the record straight.

Over the years, TowelBoy and Patches have brought the glorious spirit of Christmas to everyone on the overnight shift. With Festive Headgear, those two scamps have truly made the Yuletide gay!!

Suddenly – and without provocation – TowelBoy has accused poor Patches of “stealing” his title “Queen of Christmas”. Larceny, you ask? Not on Christmas! Not on Christmas!!

As a temperate Amish gentleman, Patches feels Christmas should not be rushed. “Let us have some restraint and good manners. Don’t jump the gun!” is his mantra. What happened? TowelBoy marched into Club Pittsburgh on NOVEMBER 30TH with his Santa hat perched perkily atop his noggin.

Too much and too soon was Patches’ only reaction to TowelBoy’s garish display of hubris. Queen of Christmas, indeed! He vowed to give TowelBoy a much needed comeuppance.

Over the next days, those two will put hats on their heads in a bitter duel for Queenly supremacy of Sparkle Season. Who is the real Queen of Christmas? Patches will leave it up to you, dear friend.

One final note: as a humble lad from the Mennonite hinterland, Patches will risk being shunned by his community. Such fancy displays of Christmas cheer is frowned upon. Patches is willing to take the heat if it means bringing joy to his many fans. Like Charlie Brown’s tree, Patches has the humility, grace, and wisdom to be the true Queen of Christmas.

Let’s face it: TowelBoy is too Flash ‘n Glitz for such responsibility. He will just toss it aside come Boxing Day.

Sincerely and with a touch of bile,
Patches

And a message from TowelBoy:

Although I applaud Patches’ holiday zest, I doubt that he has the warmth of Christmas in his heart. Take a chill pill, Patches. With the Holy Boo as my cheerleader from above, I will be Queen.

Ho, Ho, Ho,
TowelBoy

Have You Heard...?

There is nothing more TowelBoy would love to see under his Christmas tree this year than actor James Marsden. This superstud lit up the screen in 2007 as Corny Collins in the updated version of “Hairspray”. Ah, James – with his perfect smile, smoldering eyes, and beefy biceps! He looks like a young Tom Cruise without the crazy. Although hugely underrated as a talented actor and sex icon, I have been madly in love with James for over a decade. I never thought that James would be interested in someone like me until I saw him lock lips with Calista Flockhart on “Ally McBeal”. (Calista Flockhart is my inner celebrity. And sometimes the outer resemblance is striking.) One of Stud Marsden's more interesting roles was in a 2001 movie called “Gossip”. In the film, Marsden plays Jimmy Web, a college student who embarks on a project to study the consequences of a carefully crafted rumor as it spreads from person to person. Jimmy discovers that the rumor changes subtly with each gossiper until the original piece of information is completely altered. In the end, Jimmy and his classmates are devastated by the outcome as their original rumor becomes an out-of-control monster.

Six years of working at Club Pittsburgh has not left me immune to some of the outrageous rumors about our business. I am still surprised by some of the misguided venom that a few members of our community choose to spread. Much like Marsden's film rumor, many of these stories start with a grain of truth and evolve into something toxic. Lately, we've been getting a lot of phone calls asking if we've been raided. One person heard that we were shut down because of drug issues. Another person was chatting with a friend who said the health department shut our doors because of sanitation problems. Yet another caller read that the city was cracking down on “illegal businesses”. My co-workers and I have been fielding this kinds of calls for six years. For reasons that we haven't yet determined, these kinds of rumors have increased in recent weeks. Allow me to set the record straight. (And please note the rarity in TowelBoy setting anything ''straight'' -- this must be serious.)

First, there is no chance that Club Pittsburgh will be “raided”. We are a licensed business that operates in full cooperation with the city and county. The county is not merely aware of us; our business complies fully with their rules and regulations. A member of the county health department visits the club twice a month to perform free HIV and Syphilis testing to our members. Club Pittsburgh is very active and visible in civic activities that improve the gay community, often working in conjunction with local government and officials. I personally have dispatched the Pittsburgh police, fire department, and EMS. We've not been “raided” when emergency workers visit Club Pittsburgh, and the police are always extremely courteous and helpful. We do not exist as an “underground business”. In fact, we are perhaps the most transparent gay business in the community. Club Pittsburgh employees make an excellent wage and are paid through a payroll service, not in cash “under the table”. The business is fully insured, and so are its employees. Our business pays taxes at every level: city, county, state, and federal. I have six years worth of pay stubs, W-2 forms, and insurance cards to prove it. The owners and managers of Club Pittsburgh take the responsibility of providing a safe and legal establishment to both customers and employees very seriously. The club's relationship with the county and city is both friendly and legal – there is no chance that your privacy will be violated by a ''raid''. I don't know why this particular rumor persists, but it's simply not true.

And TowelBoy is just floored by the implication that Club Pittsburgh would be closed because of housekeeping issues. Obviously, keeping a bathhouse clean and sanitary is a challenging issue. A question that I'm always asked in jest when I mention that I work at a bathhouse is if I ever get tired of cleaning cum. (The answer – it's hell to get out of my green bedspread.) It's my experience that semen is usually the least of the housekeeper's problems at the club. We're extremely aware that that your health and safety depends on our club being sanitary and clean. We know this includes things that are visible to you...and some that aren't. This is the main reason areas of the club are often closed for cleaning at what seems like a most inopportune time. We realize that this may be inconvenient, but keeping you safe is sometimes more important than keeping you happy. The housekeeping staff is on duty 24 hours a day. During weekends and other busy periods, housekeepers outnumber attendants and managers. Visitors from out of town frequently laud our club club as the cleanest they've ever visited. National publications and gay guides have mentioned Club Pittsburgh as the cleanest gay bathhouse in the country. TowelBoy has been accused by a former roommate of having OCD when it comes to housekeeping issues. (Apparently, it's not natural to cry when there's a dirty dish in your sink.) I know clean, people. And Club Pittsburgh IS clean.

TowelBoy has been know to spend an hour or two (or six or ten) cruising internet chat rooms. In addition to meeting the occasional gentleman caller, these chat rooms provide me with some interesting insight. I've discovered that a lot of rumors about Club Pittsburgh start on Gay.Com or Manhunt. I'm often surprised by something that will scroll by while I'll frantically trying to explain to CockBoy85 how to find Carrick. A side note: I am like Rain Man when it comes to names and faces. Come to Club Pittsburgh once, and I'll probably remember you the next time. What's astonishing about the chat room rumor mongers is that I don't know most of them. I've never seen them at Club Pittsburgh. These guys have made judgements about our club and its members without ever visiting. I can not count the number of times that I've seen a chatter that's never been to the club complain about it. There seems to be a handful in the community that repeatedly spread these negative, destructive, and false stories and rumors. Yet when I instant message them to get them to tell me their story, they have no idea who I am. They can't tell me about their Club Pittsburgh experience because they haven't had one. How can you be an expert on something you'd never actually tried?

Perhaps coming to Club Pittsburgh and getting laid would improve their dispositions.

Here is one rumor that I definitely want you to spread: Michael Brandon is coming back to Club Pittsburgh. Michael and Monster return on Saturday, December 15th. The genius behind Raging Stallion Studios and the star of many of its films, Michael is the undisputed favorite among Club Pittsburgh patrons. Monster never fails to draw a monstrous crowd. This time, Michael is bring special guest Tober Grant. December 15th – one awesome event with two incredible stars. Take my advice: get your shopping done now so you have no excuse when Monster comes to town. You can get Uncle Pete those Isotoners anytime, but you only have one shot at getting up close to a Christmas Monster.

Oh, the word. You probably want the vocabulary word. And TowelBoy has got the Club Pittsburgh word that brightens our holiday season.

PHYLICIA RASHAD- (greeting.) You may know Phylicia Rashad as the pretty actress who warmed the heart of America for eight seasons as Claire Huxtable on “The Cosby Show”. Due to TowelBoy's slight hearing impediment, however, he thought that they were singing “Phylicia Rashad” in that Spanish Christmas tune made famous by Jose Feliciano. (I'd like to give a shout-out to Walter for explaining that it's actually Feliz Navidad. That makes more sense if you think about it.) Either way, Phylicia Rashad is Club Pittsburgh's favorite way of wishing you a happy holiday.

Phylicia Rashad,
Phylica Rashad,
She played Claire on “Cosby”
And she married Amhad.

I have to ask one favor before I go. As some of you may already know, Patches is hell bent on stealing my title as Queen of Christmas. The smack-down began last weekend when he wore this gaudy, fluffy, ridiculously plush Santa Hat that upstaged mine. Now everyone knows that Patches LOVES Christmas. The poor dear strings up his lights in July. (Well, he's lit up in July. Take that as you will.) We all appreciate his holiday cheer. But Queen of Christmas? Please! That has been my title for six years running. You can bet your holiday ass that I'm going to pillage every Wal-Mart, Target, Family Dollar, Dollar Tree, and Red White & Blue until I find the most fabulous Santa-themed bonnet ever. My yuletide will be gay, damn it. This Christmas, Patches and I are taking it to the next level. Please stop in and give the true Queen of Christmas your support.

Phylicia Rashad,
TowelBoy