These Hard Times

TowelBoy is anxiously waiting for Dubya to give him some stimulus.

Get your minds out of the gutter. I have no desire for any sort of sexual stimulus (manual, oral, or anal) from the Commander in Chief. (Mary Cheney – call me and we’ll talk. I have a turkey baster with your name on it.) I am talking about my tax rebate. My cat Socks had a blocked urethra that took three days and $1300 to unclog. (If I had a cork in my penis, I sure hope the queens in the community would throw a benefit pageant to get it out.) The people at American Express were there during Socksee’s time of need, and now they really need me to make a payment. (And if I don’t pay, will karma re-plug his penis?) Although I have not entertained a gentleman caller since my pussy got clogged, Duquesne Light, Columbia Gas, Comcast, and the Pittsburgh Water & Sewage Authority have continued to sodomize me without ID Glide. Every utility and service at Camp Carrick has increased in the last six months. Poor TowelBoy may have to turn down his thermostat five more degrees or sell his hoochie pants on E-Bay just to pay these bastards. The price of everything from gasoline to Trojan Magnums keeps nudging toward unaffordable. (I’ve officially changed my internet profile from “prefers to travel” to “prefers company”. Even Ashton Kutcher’s ass isn’t Exxon-Worthy.) Although just about every vegetable, animal, and mineral is currently in season, each trip to Giant Eagle pushes me a little further to the Nicole Richie diet. (Mmm…a glass of sparkling water and a Cool Mint Tic-Tac.) My car is no longer just unfashionable, it’s unaffordable. I have no plans to attend any Circuit Parties this summer; right now, I’m saving to buy a Mr. Coffee from Circuit City.

Why is a single, thirtysomething guy with a comfortable salary and a high FICO score having such a hard time? Call it a recession, a slow-down, or just a fucking mess, we’ve hit some hard economic times. I increasingly appreciate and admire our customers that continue to support us in spite of their own tightening budgets. We acknowledge that these hard times have put a tremendous strain on you, your families, and your friends. However, this economic climate has posed huge challenges for small businesses as well. Club Pittsburgh is no exception.

These challenges are the reason that we will be increasing rates within the next few weeks. The increases will be minimal, and they will affect all areas of our business: memberships, rentals, and counter goods. We are still determining the new prices, and we expect to implement them soon.

The owners and managers of Club Pittsburgh have been resistant to a rate increase for quite awhile. We haven’t raised membership and rental prices in over four years. (The last rate increase took effect January 1, 2004.) And we’ve actually lowered the price of a lot of counter items, particularly the lubes, over the past few years. Changing circumstances in recent months have made a price increase impossible to avoid.

Let me squelch the rumors before they even begin: We have not seen a decline in business. In fact, attendance has steadily increased. We are not experiencing any sort of unusual financial difficulties. All of our financial challenges stem from a changing economy. And we’re absolutely not closing. Please help us squelch any negative rumors you may hear in the bars or the chat rooms. Don’t believe any of these things if you read them on Manhunt or on Craig’s List. Any information that has an impact on our members will appear here first. If you sign up for the online community, I’ll email you breaking news directly. Get accurate information from TowelBoy – Not ShadySideSoccerBoi23 online or Miss Mary LaLa enjoying an afternoon delight at Shenley Park.

Essentially, we have seen our operating cost skyrocket over the past few years. As I mentioned, my utility bills at the house have become nearly unmanageable. All of those increases have occurred at the club on a much larger scale. We use natural gas, electric, and especially water in astronomical volumes. (The first time I saw a Club Pittsburgh water bill, I assumed it was a mistake and they accidentally added zeros. As it turns out, that’s how much we use. Shut the shower off when you're done, Sally.) The club is in need of capital improvements as well. Obviously, as the facilities age, maintenance issues accrue. We’ve all shared the inconvenience of a broken whirlpool or closed steam room. Rehabilitating or replacing this equipment, most of which has been custom-made, is unbelievably expensive. Last month, we had to replace an industrial hot water tank at a cost of a small Chevy sedan. We can no longer find picture-tube televisions for our facilities. As each television breaks, we have to swap out that set with an LCD television at a significantly higher cost. We’re replacing the carpeting in certain areas of the club with a recycled foam material that is water-resistant and significantly more hygienic. It makes a lot more sense for our facility than carpeting, but it’s a lot more expensive, too. Instead of housekeeping taking care of the whirlpool, it is now maintained by a certified pool operator. Obviously, this increases our labor costs. (This is totally worth it. We take your safety very seriously. We’re very proud to have two certified pool operators currently on staff.) All of the cleaning and maintenance products that we purchase seem to rise with each trip to Sam’s Club or Costco. Employee health coverage has doubled in the past year, and the liability insurance for the club itself is more than my salary.

For these reasons, a price increase is unavoidable. We’re grateful for your continued support.

On a lighter note…

The piss party was a hoot. We’d like to thank Bill for donating the fabulous bathtub. The staff was very impressed at the number of guys that jumped in the tub. (In spite of some chilly weather, too!) If you haven’t seen it, you should go to the GALLERY section of the website and check it out. My manager says that the tub is a permanent fixture on the roof – you’ll have all summer to enjoy it. Perhaps you can try it out when porn hottie Jeremy Hall performs on Saturday, May 17…

What am I forgetting? (I may have had a few too many Sominex before bed, and I’ve been feeling tipsy woo-woo most of the day.) Oh – we have tickets available for SPIKE at the front desk. You can check out www.PittsburghPrideSpace.com for more information on the picnic. Also, if you join the Club Pittsburgh online community, I can send you the new rates when they’re determined.

Earning Cash By Spreading Love,
TowelBoy