PRIDE Is Really Movin' Now!

TowelBoy does enjoy a nice Pack Attack. My heroes at Hot House have concocted this wonderful porn series where one of their big-named stars entertains a whole pack of hung & handsome gentleman callers. We feature Pack Attack 1, 2 & 3 on our exclusive Hot House channel. So here's the description on the back cover of Pack Attack 1, starring the recently departed (crack is seriously whack, people) Kent North:

“Pack Attack 1 stars Hot House exclusive Kent North, the greediest pig bottom on the planet. He demanded we find the five biggest cocks in the business to try and tame his hungry hole. Do they succeed...?”

Hmmm. I'm not exactly an expert on hungry holes, but I was anything but tamed by the Pack Attacks. They actually unleash a hormonal tidal wave that makes me care even less that Miss Mary LaLa got his damn car towed for parking on Penn Avenue during restricted hours. (Read the sign on the meter, Mary.) I just want a pack attack of my own. Honestly, if I go completely ape-shit and they haul my bony ass off to the Western Psychiatric Institute (conveniently located within walking distance of the Pitt men's dorms), please do not send flowers. I'm not interested in a Whitman's Sampler or a pharmacy cocktail. Bring me a nice pack attack. Round up Jeremy Hall, Jason Ridge, Jackson Wild*, and those two cute boys from that soap opera and send them to my room. I'll already be wearing a straight jacket, which could be kinky. This evening, while enjoying Pack Attack #1 for the ba-zillionth time, I noticed one of the attackers was porn-stud-turned-popstar Fredrick Ford. Seeing the dashing Mr. Ford in that movie fills me with a certain hope rarely experienced by middle-management, “workin' for the man” mortals. You see, Fredrick Ford is one of this year's musical entertainers at Pride in the Street. (More on that later.) I will have access to him. Or I will know people that will have access to him. If this man can get himself in a Pack Attack, surely he can do it for me. With a little help from my boss, American Idol contestant Kimberly Locke, and the all-powerful Sparkerella, I could be getting pack attacked by the 4th of July. Please keep your fingers crossed, and I'll keep my legs crossed.

If you believe that, I have some beautiful beach-front property in Carrick that you may be interested in...

One of my porn husbands that I've never seen in a Pack Attack is the dashing Jackson Wild. I discovered Jackson on the cover of Just Us Boys magazine in January. Inside, he was hawking this thing called the Flesh Jack. The Flesh Jack sort of looks like a flashlight with a synthetic orifice in place of the light bulb. You squirt some ID Glide down the latex va-jay-jay, insert your turgid member, move the Flesh Light up and down, and wait for orgasmic bliss. Or so Jackson says. (Actually, I entertained a gentleman caller several years ago who had one of these. It felt cool, but the poor dear mistakenly thought the Flesh Jack would be a suitable substitute for his mouth. Afterwards, I had this overwhelming urge to put it in the dishwasher.) Obviously, I went completely woo-woo for the cute cover boy with the funky masturbation flashlight. TowelBoy does enjoy meticulous dental hygiene combined with cosmetic orthodontics, and Jackson Wild has the most delectable set of choppers I've ever seen. And his eyes aren't too shabby either. After months of obsessing and google-ing, I found this clip of Mr. Wild demonstrating the masturbator. He has this really alluring voice that is sexually hypnotic. He totally had me at ''hello''. And as I'm watching this clip, literally stuck to my desk chair, I'm cursing the gods of Hot House for never having this man pack attacked. This became even more baffling when I recently discovered that Jackson is a Hot House ''exclusive''. (Please keep Alanis in your cell phone for these ironic emergencies.)

Jackson: this is your formal invitation to be in MY pack attack. Just go to Mapquest, type in “Western Psychiatric Institute”, and follow the caterwauling until you find my room.

When I'm not obsessing over Jackson Wild, Fredrick Ford, or getting Pack Attacked, I'm fretting over an obviously troubled Queen. (And this time it's not Esta La Mierda!) I'm talking, of course, about Queen Latifah. I have enjoyed this Queen for many years. I felt the pain of a single sister making her way in the big city through all six seasons of “Living Single”. I'm all about U-N-I-T-Y, and I don't like being called a bitch either. We even share a birthday! (3/18, if you're sending presents) But what the hell is up with the Queen in these Jenny Craig commercials? Jenny Craig is a weight loss program, right? The whole point is to lose your big ba-donka-donk and regain your dignity. Yet in a half dozen commercials, the Queen never even suggests that she lost any weight. She yammers about the health benefits of reducing body mass without ever revealing the magic number. She's a “Size ACTIVE”. For the love of Corky, what does that mean? I once had birthday-gal Esta La Mierda locked in the Club Pittsburgh bathroom because she was a Size DRUNK. Perhaps I should have alerted Nutri-System. (And I suspect our Queen lost more weight in that bathroom than Queen Latifah has on Jenny Craig. But I digress.) I would be happy if the Queen would at least tell America that she lost five pounds. (Which is going to be a tough sell in that orange polyester jumpsuit.) I may not believe it, but at least I can process it. The last straw for me was her walking on that treadmill so slowly that I thought she was going to fall off. And as the camera moves in on her, she says “I'm really moving now!” Umm, yeah – and the other Queen is really sober now. Frankly, I'm just not buying it from either Queen.

Queen Latifah may not be moving much at all, but Club Pittsburgh is hurling towards a very busy PRIDE week. 2007 was the first year for Splash and Pride in the Street, and nobody knew what to expect. Splash, the pool party/fundraiser at the Manse on the Mountain, was a smashing success. My brush with Splash occurred when I received an emergency request to deliver poppers, big girl condoms, and the portable sling to the Mountain. The weather was great, the house breath-taking, and everyone looked like they were having a lot of fun . The party offered revelers great music, delicious food, hot boys, and of course…plenty of free cocktails. Later in the evening, when everyone was really tipsy-woo, some saggy-titted gal (a real woman!) stripped of f her blouse and scared all the gays boys in the hot tub. Does it get more fun than that? (And my condom caddy came back empty. Draw your own conclusions.) I hear this year’s Splash will blow last year’s shindig out of the water. Three days after Splash ‘07, the Pride in the Street dance party was an extraordinary event that none of us ever could have imagined. 5000 revelers crowded Liberty Avenue to show Pittsburgh the meaning of PRIDE. That night was also the only time in nearly seven years of business that I’ve had to turn people away from Club Pittsburgh. Every room and locker in the joint was occupied. For nearly three hours, I watched in the security monitor as scantily-clad, inebriated homosexuals stormed around my car like a pack of angry banshees because I wouldn’t let them in. (A note to one particular mouthy queen that refused to exit and kept calling me “Derrick”: TowelBoy does not forget. When all hell is breaking loose after PITS this year, I’ll be ready for you, bitch.) In the middle of all this excitement, porn star EXTRAORDINAIRE Barrett Long was performing in the gym, and the club was overtaken by cute Rent Boys (RentBoys.com) in hoochie pants. The Rent Boys will be back for Splash this year, and Kimberly Locke, Fredrick Ford, and Frank DeCaro will entertain the masses as Pride in the Street. After PITS, Titan exclusive Diesel Washington will be working something massive in a late-night performance at the club. If you want to attend the festivities, Club Pittsburgh is vending tickets for five great events:

Splash! Pool Party -- $60
Pride in the Street (general admission) -- $15
PrideFest Beer Garden -- $15
Bar Crawl -- $15
Soak! River Cruise -- $20

For information on these events, please visit:
www.PittsburghPrideSpace.com

Even if you don’t get a change to attend the events, at least stop down at the club to see Diesel Washington. We will undoubtedly be packed for his performance. And you can watch TowelBoy show the aforementioned queen the door for a second year in a row. Derrick loves you, girl.

Our price changes took effect on Monday. Thanks for taking it in stride. Almost everyone has been extremely supportive of these changes – we’ve only had a few complaints. (from the usual suspects, of course) You can check out all of the new prices in the BREAKING NEWS section of the website. Don’t forget about FUNCH, our reward for your loyal support: We’re discounting lockers to $10 between 2 PM and 6 PM on weekdays. It’s a full six-hour rental! So far, FUNCH response has been great.

Hopefully, we’ll see YOU during PRIDE…

Definitely not DERRICK,
TowelBoy