Not So Fast, Sally!

TowelBoy has been hearing shocking rumors of his demise all through the Steel City. Not so fast, Sally. I realize that Club Pittsburgh has received a lot of media attention lately. I personally have hired an entire staff just to manage KDKA super snooper Marty Griffin. (I do not appreciate your comments, Marty. If anyone is going to soil my reputation, it's going to be me.) I know that there are lots of rumors and speculations. I get inundated with emails daily. Although I'm genuinely moved by your legitimate concerns, some of the wild rumors have made TowelBoy laugh so hard that I've soiled my hoochie pants. Allow me to set the record straight...

FACT: On January 4, a member passed away at the club. Although it appears to be a tragic accident, the medical examiner has not determined the cause of death. The media has made wild speculations, but no official cause of death has been released. The owners, managers, and staff of Club Pittsburgh are deeply saddened by this event, and we offer our condolences to his family and friends. As with any untimely death, there is an investigation. The same inquiry would have occurred had this accident happened at a bar, a club, a hotel, or McDonald's. Club Pittsburgh is cooperating fully with the authorities.

FACT: Club Pittsburgh was not "raided". No membership information has been subpoenaed or compromised. There is absolutely no chance that any member's identity or confidential information will be publicized. The investigation is driven by this unfortunate death, not the nature of the club. Enjoying the club responsibly is perfectly legal, and you will not be arrested for visiting Club Pittsburgh.

FACT: In light of recent events, the management and staff at Club Pittsburgh is more determined than ever to enforce our rules. Drug use or distribution will not be tolerated. We have always worked very hard to keep drug activity out of the club. For your safety and protection, we have increased our efforts. All members are expected to abide by the rules. I mentioned above that you will not be arrested for enjoying the club responsibly. You may be arrested if you choose to violate our drug and alcohol policies.

FACT: We are not closed. I've heard nobody even mention closing, and I'd be the first to know. And I have a huge mouth, so you'd know immediately. I'd probably even send you a text. Thankfully, it's business as usual. Nothing about the Club Pittsburgh experience has changed. We do have new hours because of the slower winter season. I expect our hours will return to normal in the Spring. You can find the special winter hours on our homepage.

FACT: The owners or attorneys or police or the Holy Boo haven't suspended the blog. TowelBoy is just extremely lazy, and he figured this was a good time for a little winter break. I've been planning to take January off since October. Wait until February -- I will be annoying the masses from my desktop once again.

So what have we learned, Sally? First, don't believe everything you see in an internet chat room or hear from Drunkerella at the bar. Sometimes even the paper or the television news only gets half the story. Poor Marty just won't let this pass. Between you and me, he asked if he could take a tour, so perhaps he's just bi-curious. It's business as usual, nobody is getting arrested, and the district attorney is not calling your mother. We're still making your privacy and security our first priority.

I hope to see all of you soon. I miss being rude to you.

Resuming my hibernation,
TowelBoy